Love and Public Speaking
Observations on speaking from the heart and loving oneself
A few were smiling, but most were stone-faced as I conjured the feeling that they loved me and scrambled for something to talk about.
I was attending a virtual workshop on Speaking From the Heart with Pim Ruhe (Twitter, Website) and I had volunteered to be the first to speak.
Pim had primed us to embody the feeling of being unconditionally loved while speaking by guiding us through a Yoga Nidra meditation and an explanation of how his personal remix of Metta meditation techniques help him feel more comfortable speaking authentically in front of others.
With the sensation of being calm and loved fresh in our minds, we were asked to speak to the group for 90 seconds on a topic of our choice.
As I spoke, I noticed pulses of butterflies, inspired by fear of judgement, and tried to settle them through habitual internal commands to just chill out. In a familiar display of resilience, this inspired the butterflies to flutter more vigorously.
Yet, applying Pim’s instructions, when I replaced the fear of judgment and internal request to relax with feeling the sensation of being unconditionally loved, regardless of whether I stuttered or said something dumb, the butterflies lost their vigor.
Reflecting on this experience, I realized that by telling myself to relax in that setting, I was trying to scold myself out of feeling nervous.
I’m essentially telling myslef, “When I feel nervous, my feelings are wrong. Now be confident.” The first statement makes the second harder to achieve, if not impossible.
It is a one-two punch for low confidence. I prime my system with a physical sensation of being wrong and reinforce that feeling when I can’t overcome it.
Pim’s workshop offered an alternative. By first relaxing my nervous systems through his Yoga Nidra meditation, I was guided to a feeling of openness and safety. The subsequent Metta exploration primed my system to feel loved, making the feeling familiar and therefore easier to recall when it was my turn to speak.
During my 90-seconds of speaking to the group, I felt the potential of replacing my default internal narrative with a more useful, “When you feel nervous, remember these people love you regardless of your performance. Remember what that feels like.”
Practicing feeling loved by others and revising my interal dialog while public speaking feels like an unlock for confidence in all social settings.
Here are some additional thoughts on the challenge of feeling unconditional love directed at oneself.
This is really hard for a lot of people.
Here is an exercise I came up with to explore my own relationship with feeling love for myself and I’m curious to hear if this is useful for anyone else.
Close your eyes and imagine someone for whom you feel unconditional love. As a parent, this feels easiest for me to imagine my young daughters. Perhaps for you it is a child, family member, friend, or pet.
Focus on your unconditional love for that person or pet and bring your attention specifically to the physical sensations of that feeling.
While focusing on the physical sensations of your love for them, let any mental imagery of that person fade until you are only conscious of the physical feelings of your love.
Notice the perceived location of those feelings relative to your body. You may feel like some of the loving feelings are within your body while some of the feelings are perceived to be outside of you; perhaps where the image of the person had been imagined.
Whether you are percieving these feelings visually or as a felt sense, imagine any aspects of the loveing feeling that are outside your body being drawn into your core and let it rest within you for a few moments. If the feeling fades or flickers, hold it gently like you would a baby or a delicate ember.
As you get used to holding the feeling of your love within yourself, let that sensation or visualization spread to fill your body. Let it expand to fill your core, your arms, legs, fingers, toes, and head. Hold it here for a moment letting it fill you and radiate against the internal boundaries of your skin.
Recognize that this is what unconditional love feels like.
You have filled yourself with unconditional love regardless of anything you have ever done. Like a parent’s love for a baby, you are full of love because you exist.
At this point, let your intuition guide you to explore any resistance you feel toward directing this love to yourself. Probe the edges of this feeling.
It may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:
What do I fear will happen if I release resistance to feeling this love for myself?
How do I benefit from resisting feeling this love for myself?
What would happen if I gave myself permission to feel this love for myself?
Practice this exercise regularly to become more familiar with embodying the feeling of unconditional love and questioning the fears and benefits that lead to resisting it for yourself.
😍 love this! I really like how you explained how the usual strategy is actually making you less confident and this opened up something new, niceeeee!